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Brastus
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PostSubject: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/19/2014, 7:10 pm

The Province of Orchales is the most impressive, and certainly the most lavish of all the provinces of Regnum. †On itís own, Orchales can literally be a small nation apart from all the other provinces of Regnum. It is extremely easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer size and architectural beauty of the city/providence. Since Regnum sees itself as the direct descendant of the once mighty Roman Empire, itís architecture is based off the one used by the romans, albeit highly modernised and significantly more powerful. The style of architecture is brutal and gives off a dark and oppressive feeling complete with titanic buildings made out of concrete and large beautiful gardens, parks and courtyards adorn the multiple megablocks of the area. Glistening skyscrapers rise up in a display of strength and power, while the streets are covered with marvelous decorations such as statues and banners signifying the unyielding might of the city and of Regnum. A number of museums, malls and apartments dot the city, all created following the almost imperialistic nature of the nation. Golden bright lights cover the streets and impressive restaurants serving only the most delicious food available. Monuments like arches of glory and coliseums of sports were made to not only entertain and please the citizens, but also to impose a feeling of insignificance towards the foreigners who arrive to the grandiose city/province. The poor live in villas, the workers thrive on small mansions, and the rich enjoy the pleasures of life from their outrageous and extremely extravagant palaces. Regardless of the social standing inside the city, once a citizen of Regnum becomes a citizen of Orchales, it is assumed that one has a rather impressive fortune. While there exist a number of centers for the Senators of Orchales to address the city directly, the prefered spot is †the Senatorial Palace located on the center of the incredible and astonishing city. The Senatorial Palace is the most impressive monument inside of Orchales and is built on such a scale that it creates an air of authority and majesty fitting of Emperors and not Senators or Presidents. It makes the Palace of Versailles, the Winter Palace of †former Russia and the Forbidden City in Ancient China pale in comparison. The Gardens of the Palace alone can host over a million people and the palace itself is composed of multiple connecting mansions and towers all crowned by a single magnificent dome. The palace is taller than any one of the tremendous skyscrapers of the city by a milestone and it is often joked that the palace has itís own weather due to the sheer size of it. †It is built following the incredible architecture of their ancestors, like all the buildings of the city, but on the palace, these elements are made even more present. Vast halls with floors made out of marble, halls big enough to wander inside of them for hours, intricately decorated walls, furniture all made out of ebony or mahogany, and statues and art galleries all fit for †men of enormous wealths, these are all some of the wonders of the Senatorial Palace of Orchales. The Grand Hall was designed to put to shame the interior of the Basilica of Saint Peters on the Vatican, which is one of the few remaining countries of the old era but has become part of Regnum as a small district inside the Province of Orchales, and it can make even the mightiest of men feel weak and feeble. The Grand Hall has the statues of the former senators of the Providence running to its length, while pillars of the same marble encrusted with gold, platinum and diamonds decorate the sides of the hall. The hall itself is large enough to fill it with two full dreadnought class airships of the Air Force and has rows of thrones located on it with the throne of the First Senator located at the end of the hall and is made to the First Senatorís own measurements. Indeed, the Senatorial Palace of Orchales is even more impressive ďThe CitadelĒ itself and is one of the reasons as to why many consider the Senator of Orchales to be both the richest man of Regnum and the second most powerful. Just outside of the Senatorial Palace, five avenues called the Avenues of Regnum, stretch out like fingers on a hand. These avenues are clearly ostentatious and made to once again signify the superiority of Orchales over the other cities of the world. During special occasions, the entire populace of Orchales gather at the Avenues of Regnum and cheer on with thunderous applause and deafening roars to the Senator and the eveningís special event. While Orchales is certainly the richest province in all of Regnum it is one of the least corrupt provinces. This is clear when one wanders off to Doros and sees the poverty and misery the people live on, while the Provinceís own Senator enjoys life inside a palace that is close to the Senatorial Palace in size and grandeur.
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Steve Rogers
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/24/2014, 11:22 pm

First off, break it up. It's really, really, really hard to read when it's one big chunk. Break it up into paragraphs or sections.

Impressive is a boring word to describe something so grand.

Cut the word literally.

Don't use more adjectives than you need too. Cut the word extremely

Use either city or providence, not both.

"Its architecture" not "it's architecture"

I loooove the description of the city :)

Cut the line about the Palace of Versailles.

Put "it is often joked about... Weather... Sheer size" line in it's own sentence. It's such a brilliant idea! Make it stand out!

Remember not to be too descriptive; give your readers just a taste and let them imagine the rest themselves. A lot of writers often worry about getting their point across; trust your readers. They're smarter than you think. For example, you don't have to mention the Air Force in your line about the air ship- we, as readers, already connect the dots.

This is really brilliant! I love it a lot! But you should cut it down a little bit. You tend to ramble and over-describe things (I have this problem too). The hardest part about writing is cutting, but it's the most necessary thing. I have a teacher who says "The poem (or story in this case) happens when you get out of the way," Cut the bits that aren't necessary, or the things that you repeat.

Overall, this is really brilliant! Keep going!
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Brastus
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/24/2014, 11:24 pm

Thank you for your insight. I really really really appreciate it. It' s supposed to be a city the size of central and eastern Europe up until western Russia ( its big)
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Steve Rogers
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/24/2014, 11:26 pm

You should state that directly. Don't beat around the bush when writing - - be direct, that'll help so you don't ramble.
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Brastus
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/24/2014, 11:33 pm

Regnum, is exactly, a nation that practically has territory across the entire world. It completely dominated Europe, ( minus the UK and the Northern countries of Norway and etc) Half of Asia, and Western Russia, the entire USA, a small fraction of Australia, a third of Africa, and from south America, it controls Brazil, Venezuela and Argentina. THis happened after WWIII
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Steve Rogers
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/24/2014, 11:39 pm

Cool, I like it! :)
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Josh
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/25/2014, 6:59 am

I get the impression this preview is like an opening chapter to a longer piece?

If so, whilst I really like the description, I wouldn't use this as an opening piece.

It's nicely written, good description, and I agree with the points Stitch made, but as an opening thing, it can be overbearing to some readers.

I wrote a novel and did something similar initially, since it was a fantasy world, I described it all. And when I put it on different review sites, one of the pieces of advice I was repeatedly given was; "Its a nice description, but get rid of it."

What was recommended was to sort of describe the world as you're going through the rest of the work. Break it up and describe as you go along, rather than having that chunk of text to begin with.

It's a nice piece though and would set you up nicely for further works.

________________
Amelia Wright - Poseidon - 17
Leonidas Enfield - Chronos - 18
Darius O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Kyla O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Ciara Martin - 14 - Pollux
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Brastus
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/25/2014, 2:00 pm

Actually, this is just an idea. For my novel I won't describe this like I did, but rather through the eyes of my characters
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Josh
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/25/2014, 4:42 pm

Well Brastus, that's if you're writing a first person piece. If you're writing a third person piece, then it's more likely that you'd write it like the above. Unless you're using free and indirect discourse, but I have a feeling you're not.

________________
Amelia Wright - Poseidon - 17
Leonidas Enfield - Chronos - 18
Darius O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Kyla O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Ciara Martin - 14 - Pollux
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Brastus
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/25/2014, 4:50 pm

I am writing first person.
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Josh
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PostSubject: Re: Preview of my world...   Preview of my world... Icon_minitime2/26/2014, 5:23 am

Hmm, well, then go for what I first said and describe it as you go along. It will work much better that way, especially in first person as its each to you arrive somewhere, or can be added through discussion with other characters, etc.

________________
Amelia Wright - Poseidon - 17
Leonidas Enfield - Chronos - 18
Darius O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Kyla O'Shea - Tyche - 17
Ciara Martin - 14 - Pollux
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