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 Fro's Pretty Poetry

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kayt smells
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kayt smells

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PostSubject: Fro's Pretty Poetry   Fro's Pretty Poetry Icon_minitime3/24/2014, 2:37 pm

I close my eyes.
I see stars
The stars sparkle, and swirl around.
I open my eyes, and I see the darkness.
I close my eyes again
this time longer and harder.
Maybe I might fall asleep this time.
Instead of staying awake all through the night.
Thinking about you.
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kayt smells
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kayt smells

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PostSubject: Re: Fro's Pretty Poetry   Fro's Pretty Poetry Icon_minitime3/24/2014, 3:08 pm

Whispers.
Whispers, whispers in the dark
telling me to finally be free
to sleep for an eternity
to be one with the wind and to fly
out with the spirits in the sky.
Whispers, telling me my dreams
helping them to finally come true
finally getting me free
from this burning hell I'm stuck in for an eternity.
Whispers, telling me how to be free
by trying to fly out in the cold night
So I did.
And when I spread out my wings to fly...
I fell 20 feet and I died.
And maybe I am finally free.
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Josh
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PostSubject: Re: Fro's Pretty Poetry   Fro's Pretty Poetry Icon_minitime3/24/2014, 5:02 pm

Mmk. So.

As a general read, they are quite nice. In depth though, there is more that could be done.

From a first read, it's clear that there is sadness to these poems, in both. The first is about someone lost. Whether it be a friend/love/family member/memory. Evidently the narrator has lost.

Whereas the second one has a more tragic message to it, and is more depressing. The indication is death and possibly even suicide.

So, on a basic level that's what we get.

Neither poem has a rhyme scheme to them, which is fine, poems don't have to. At the same time, there is no meter to them, there is no pattern to it, it's just the lines flow from one to another. Again, this isn't required, but in these poems, I feel a meter could be quite good to convey the darkness in them, especially if it was a slower one. Iambic Pentameter is probably the most common and would give the poetry a rhythmic effect to them. And done in the right way can convey the emotions you seem to be hinting at.

Other notes,
Whispers, telling me how to be free
by trying to fly out in the cold night
So I did.

I don't like this too much. The "So I did." Doesn't fit. It abruptly ends it, which for this poem would be a better effect at the very end, as if to say how life can be ended suddenly, whereas you stop abruptly and then carry on. It just doesn't have the same effect.


This is kinda brief thing cause Im kinda rushed, but bleh. Don't take this the wrong way, I like them, they're good, but I feel there could be a lot more done on the technicalities to improve them.
And if my interpretations aren't what you meant, welp, read the book "Death of the Author" by Roland Barthes

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kayt smells
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kayt smells

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PostSubject: Re: Fro's Pretty Poetry   Fro's Pretty Poetry Icon_minitime3/24/2014, 11:13 pm

Kinda a Trigger warning at the end so yeah.

Look inside my eyes
Examine the dark, mysterious sky.
The whole new world full of hate and sadness
anger and love.
Missing the ray of sunshine called happiness.
You finally see what I see, the demon in the dark new galaxy made of sadness and hate.
The demon that is stuck inside my mind.
You see it.
You see it all.
Then you reach for my arms, rolling up the sleeves carefully.  
And you see my scars, all of them, new and old.
Then that is when you told me I was beautiful.
Scars and all.
Even though you saw the demon inside of my eyes, inside of me
Bending my soul.
You looked up at me and smiled at me for a quick second.
Then you proceeded to roll up your sleeves.
Matching scars on both of our arms.
You once again looked up at me.
And this time, I saw the same dark demon.
The same dark stormy sky.
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