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 Damian Gladius Valerius

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Brastus
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PostSubject: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime5/17/2014, 7:04 pm

CLICK ME!:
 
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Last edited by Brastus on 6/23/2015, 12:21 am; edited 70 times in total
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Morgan Landry
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime5/18/2014, 12:51 pm

Hi! :D

∆ What do you mean by this: >>which is as strong as a regular suit of armor << How can his coat be as strong as an armor?

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime5/19/2014, 6:22 pm

Wow, my longest post ever. At 7566 words, maybe less 7400 removing all the codes and all, he is my longest character sheet, and it makes sense right. I mean he is my most used character out of all my other characters.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime5/19/2014, 11:00 pm

Approved. 2,500 drachmas.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/21/2015, 10:00 pm

Re-made him as a Roman. Edited his past as a son of Ares and turned him into a son of Mars.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/21/2015, 10:38 pm

Hey!

→ So is his middle name Gladius or Gladiolus?
→ I believe you mean pilum, not pilium.
→ Why does he have celestial bronze in his bow?
→ I just wanted to point out that the armor you picked out for him, the Roman one, is a parade armor, not a battle armor.
Brastus wrote:
he can make people angry without his powers easily and a almost effortlessly with just his words, insults and brags.
Brastus wrote:
He is capable of creating good battle tactics and is capable of thinking on the fly, while occupying himself with battle, although his skill at tactics is not as good as the ones the children of Minerva can make. He can be very persuasive and is capable of eloquent speech, when he needs to.
Those are more of a talent/flaw than an ability. Also there are no children of Minerva anymore, she's a virgin goddess and doesn't have children.
Brastus wrote:
He can also identify a demigod's god parent by placing his hand on their back, with just a simple shoulder grab.
I don't see in what way this relates to Mars.
Brastus wrote:
state of uncontrolled rage
No.
→ Please convert your powers to the new post-per-post way.
→ You say it works on "multiple people"; how many exactly?
→ What do you mean, it increases the power of the weapon? What does it do concretely?

I'll look at the rest later, when it's not 3:38 am ^^


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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/23/2015, 11:43 am

I edited everything including his powers. I also deleted several stuff that seemed unnecessary or confusing. I tried to make him more straightforward and less vague.

I also took the liberty of updating his backstory so it would fit with the ones set about in Camp Jupiter
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/23/2015, 12:56 pm

→ Why is there imperial gold in his bow?
→ Can his intimidation thing be resisted?
→ I'm saying no to his last ability because first it's not an ability and second because he's not a commander or has a position of any sort in the Legion.
→ "period of brutal unrestrained anger" >> No.
→ "slightly beyond a standard Olympian athlete" >> No.
→ I'm really iffy about the whole making-other-people-angry-to-make-himself-stronger thing because in the end, ability and power negate each other out and it would be as if he didn't spend any energy on that power. Make the ability of being stronger either weaker or make it a power in itself.
→ "His skill with this power is so high that people who have seen him fight at his best say he switches from weapons almost instantly and shows tremendous skill with each of them." >> I feel like you should keep that statement for after you developed his powers.
→ So for the telumkinesis.... basically he summons one weapon, holds it for three posts, then another weapon, another three post, etc...? Without any type of cool down between the uses of the different weapons?
→ No to the last ability.
→ You need two physical flaws (physical flaws are not scars or bruises).
→ I seriously doubt a toddler would be able to do what you're saying his mother made him do. Also why a toothbrush? And the cleaning the toilet seat thing is actually not a smart move of her since that means he gets sick, has to see the doctor and boom, her money goes out the window.
→ Why didn't her mother run after him? 8 years olds aren't that difficult to catch. I do it all the time. (just kidding)
→ So.... how did he eat? How did he sleep? How did he not get caught by the police? How did he get money? How did he shower?
→ How did he make it to the US of A? I mean... street kid, searched by the police, no passport, no money, with wolves...
→ Why would a mafia guy want to employ some random 14 years old kid?

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/23/2015, 7:08 pm

edited everything I saw.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/24/2015, 7:21 am

→ " However, when he puts his armor and fights this intimidation ability is strengthened and turns from just intimidation to sheer killing intent. ">> No.
→ "Most noticeably his physical strength increases to the point that even his defense strikes hold enough power to feel as if it were an offensive stroke. " >> Really iffy on this.
→ I feel like he shouldn't get a power-up from people he made angry with his power.
→ You make it sound like he doesn't need any cool-down to summon two different weapons. Please add one.
→ Where have you listed his physical flaws?
→ The fact her mother didn't search for him doesn't explain why the police didn't. Neighbors, people, school, they would've noticed. And the mother would be numero 1 suspect.
→ "In exchange of his travel, he was allowed to travel on the ship" >> ? Also I doubt a chef would want some 10 years old putting his dirty fingers in the food I mean.. it's a cruise ship. People study gastronomy to make food like they do.
→ So... how did this assassin meet up happen?
→ Also I still find it questionable that someone who sees four of his best men beaten up by a random street kid would want to employ him. If you're a mafioso, that leaves you with two things: a) kill said kid and b) train your assassins better. Also why didn't the assassins simply use their guns to shoot him?

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/24/2015, 8:03 pm

Edit but a couple of things:

1. the whole physical strength thing is just a description. Besides, I can attest that with enough skill and physical strength, you can make defensive strikes carry as much weight and power as defensive strikes without resorting to offensive strikes. Remember Damian's main fighting style is a defensive one, not an offensive one, so naturally his defense would be quite power.

2. I wanted to give him the power-up due to anger because that way he absolve the bad energy from the anger and add it to himself. It's a long process and too many details spoil a good read. Also, I didn't want to give him a power-up he can use at will without limitations. By using an anger-induced power-up, he can increase his physical prowess against one person once per thread and or day, depending on the topic.

- Also, i didn't originally give him a cooldown since he is just summoning weapons. Now I could put a cooldown for his telekinetic powers, but for weapons summoning seems a bit far-fetched. It's not like he is blasting a person with fire or water. However, I added cooldown.

3. His flaws are at his appearance. I know scars aren't defects, but to sum it up, hapsburg-like chin, huge hands, big feet, large nose and angry, tired eyes.

4. While I added some details to his backgroud, I don't think you need to go over ALL the explanations. I mean he did spend time with a band of kid-thieves who protected their own and hid from local authorities. However, just to be safe I added a few more things. Also added an explanation to his cruise ship story. In summation, chore boy.

5. It makes sense to kill a guy who beats up your men, but it is smarter to take in a kid who can beat all of them up. At the very least it's quite an impressive feat of skill and ability. That's why he was hired by the boss.

Anyways, I'm sorry if I come off as rude here, not my intention at all. But I just needed to clarify a few things before we proceed.

Once again, sorry for being rude here, but I really really really needed to talk to you about this.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/25/2015, 9:09 am

→ I get where you're coming from it just seems... eh. I'm not gonna comment on that part then.
→ I'd still like you to give him a cool down between summoning different weapons. You can make their use time a bit longer.
→ Literally no mafia out there would hire a 14 years old for an actual job.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/25/2015, 4:20 pm

I edited what you told me ^^

I also made it so he was able to lie about his age. He was approximately 5'10-5'11 by age 14.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/29/2015, 5:00 pm

→ I'm really iffy about the whole mafia thing because it just doesn't add up. Please come up with something else, like he joined a gang or something.
→ Also, for his armor, I'd like to point out that only officers have parade armor in the Roman Legion.
→ Those are mortal guns, right?
→ " a long black custom-made leather coat, which is as strong as a regular suit of armor" >> No.
→ Even if he were that tall, height isn't everything. At 14 the face is still pretty round not to talk about maturity.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime3/31/2015, 2:13 pm

edit!

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 2:51 pm

So you said in chat you'd remake your form as a normal one... do you stand at that or do you still want me to approve this form here?

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 3:07 pm

we've gone through the effort, and I've corrected several things I wanted to clarify. Let's continue here please. Also, I changed his guns, so you might want to read that.
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 3:27 pm

→ To be truuuuuuuuuuuuuuthfully honest, I'm really not okay with the rifles firing silver and imperial gold.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 3:28 pm

but how will he fight non mortal beings?
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 4:14 pm

Um.... with the gazillion other weapons you gave him?

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 4:15 pm

...can he keep the guns, no special bullets?
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 4:23 pm

He can.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/1/2015, 4:32 pm

edit :)
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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/6/2015, 6:28 am

Okay these are the last re-writes.

• I realized you never stated his true name; can you give me the name that appears on his ID card please? Not the names he gives himself.
• Why does he smell of blood and metal? Just because #testosterone or is there a particular plausible reason?
• "a set of arms that could beat a full-size man half to death" >> I realize you mean this as a compliment and it's a bit sexist.
• "and the two can often be seen testing weapons in Rafael's private research centers." >> No.
• You still have to change the mafia part in the hometown section.
• "his eyes are said to make people want to smash their heads against walls, and to newbies or people who don't know him at all, his eyes possess a certain danger to them. " >> Can you edit this out please?
• "The bloodthirsty son of Mars is known for his strapping, ragged and attractive looks, which results in a number of girls paying their eyes to him. He however could care less if people stare at him, regardless if it is praise, yearning or jealousy. " >> That's not body type. Body type is stuff like mesomorph, etc.
• "He has been known to sometimes use military formal uniforms he has stolen from marines for infiltration missions." >> No.
• "While he normally uses standard fire bullets, he does have special ones for when the time calls it. " >> can you develop on these special bullets please?
• I'm sorry to say legionnaires have to use their shields like, all the time. Also I don't think a scutum shield could fit under any jacket, except maybe Hagrid's.
• "The sword is made out of a combination of Spanish steel from Toledo and Imperial Gold yet does not look like it is made out of said materials due to it's coloring. " >> we don't allow mixed metal weaponry. Make it imperial gold.
• "Damian loves to cooks and experiment with new dishes, but don't tell him he can cook, or any of his siblings, or else you might find yourself entering  a cohort due to a heavy food poisoning incident." >> why is he so ashamed of his cooking skills?
• Please replace the shark swimming with something else.
• "Damian has trained enough so that every one of his strikes feel like a disarming blow, while he doesn't really mean to disarm." >> No.
• "It is important to know that he is a rebel and he does not follow any forms of rules, unless some higher authority than humans or demigods interferes." >> obedience is like, #1 thing in the Legion
• Social status: What about the sons of Venus? Don't they find him attractive? Also I'd just like to point out Venus kids ≠ Aphrodite kids; after all Aeneas was the son of Venus.

That's it. I think.

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PostSubject: Re: Damian Gladius Valerius   Damian Gladius Valerius Icon_minitime4/6/2015, 8:39 pm

ok i have a bit of a problem...

I edited everything, minus the whole arm thing because I couldn't find it when I made all the changes, but when I tried to look at it again after sending send, evertime I clicked edit a black space was shown without anything or any words of his form. As if it was all deleted. Out of fear of losing all of his form, I'm sorry but I think I may not be able to edit it without risking losing the form. I did edit everything else. Maybe it's a glitch.
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