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 Breakfast with my lovely family.

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Brastus
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Brastus

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Number of posts : 935
Age : 2017
Registration date : 2014-01-31

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PostSubject: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime5/23/2014, 11:38 pm

How quaint! It was rather unimpressive seeing my father's bastard children surrounding me as I walked inside the appropriately decorated antechamber of the Palace of Jupiter that led to the Grand Banquet Hall. Why they might have eyes of blue and hair of black, but by no means were these insolent mistakes my older siblings. If I could, I would have shoved a knife down the throats of all my father's ill-made children in order to preserve the prestige of the House of Denever, but sadly, as I am a lady of class, I could not dirty my hands with the tainted blood of those rascals. While the heat wasn't unbearable, I kept my posture high and proper, and gathered air to my face from my  peacock-feathered fan and delivered to those insolent ants stares of nonchalantness and coldness. To a person like me, being among those scoundrels was worse than having my entire body ravaged by a thousand criminals!

As I walked, conversations and discussions were put on halt by the clank clank of my high heels, made from exported leather from the micro province of Italia of course. Their eyes were held in stares and their eyebrows were pressed down together, but as I continued my walk, I kept my head raised high and my fan waving at me. To my back, I heard Odysseus, my fifth  half-brother, whisper to Cornelia, my  sixth half-sister about how I resembled one of the devils that the Bible spoke of, while Cornelia responded with a sneer of her brutish face. I could had stopped on my tracks and given those two a piece of my mind, but after thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that they were not even worth a turn of my face. I carried the weight of my name with what was expected of me and allowed those two inferior beings to carry on their activities like the children they were.

I felt like a queen! My vermillion gown was perfect for it also  metal detailing that came from gold from Doros, and a  ruffled down skirt that ended with artificially colored peacock feathers of the same color as my gown. My heels were of the same brilliant color and my lips were smeared with rouge lipstick, like the blood of my former lover, Andreus was it? Oh I don't remember. Unlike my father's other children, I posed the classical looks of my family. My eyes were violet, my hair was just  passed shoulder-lenght, thick and dark, while from my mother I inherited her high cheekbones and a natural hint in my eyes. Oh I knew I was of great beauty, but I didn't need to be reminded by that myself, I had people that already did that for me, namely those idiot girls that serve as my handmaidens and their unfaithful husbands. Well a girl had to keep an open mind when it came to men, and I must reveal, frustrated married men, were much better than those given to me by my father. Yet, my self-admiration was cut short after seeing my true eldest brother, Corvatus. I felt my cheeks rise to blushes as he walked over to me with his condescending smirk and narcissistic eyes. Although met girls favored Brastus for his physique, Corvatus held a number of admirers as well.

"I was beginning to question when was Serana the Cruel, was going to join me in the company of the other members of the House of Denever!" Proudly exclaimed Corvatus as he finished his sentence with by shouting the family, with the other six siblings raising their glasses in unison as if he bellowed a battle cry. He was different. He wasn't born into my father's former whore of a wife, so he was significantly taller than most inside the room. His eyes were the same as mine, but were slightly bluer, and his complexion was exactly the same as my other brother. Just like me, Corvatus was a man of refined taste. His outfit consisted of  three-piece suit. The shirt was black,made out of organza and had a white collar and cuffs, the waistcoat and the jacket were metallic grey, and the lapels of the jacket were significantly darker than the jacket. He wore a small white rose on his jacket's lapel, which he smelled just after speaking to me, a double-colored tie of black and white, trousers of equal color and shoes of dark leather with a glint of jet-black.

"Oh my dear brother have you lost your head? Surely you do not have the idea that I would avoid breakfast with my lovely family. The only thing that I pity is the late arrival of our lost brother. Have you any idea as to where he might be at this hour?" I inquired as I bowed slightly to my brother and delivered to kisses to his cheeks after giving him a smile. WHen I said lovely family, I mean me, Corvatus and Brastus, not the other six creatures that bore our family name.

"I haven't the slightest! Atlhough, you know him. Where their is women, their is Brastus. I surmise he will be here shorty. In the meantime, let me say how radishing you look today darling. The dress is perfectly combined with your beautiful face." Complimented Corvatus as he took a sip of his morning wine. It had a strong, pungent smell and looked like it was from the micro province of either Francia of Hispania. Immeditaly after hearing my sibling's words, I flashed my brother a look and ordered a glass of wine for myself.

"Be careful Corvatus, I have been with men for less in this world. You do not wish to seduce your own sister now do you? I mean, what would mother say when she hears about this scandal?" I answered to my brother as a servant handed me my own glass of wine.

"Of course I wouldn't think such things. We both know I share other interests in this world Serana. I am after all, a collector of jewels and masterpieces, but as far as you go, I dare not." Said Corvatus as a heavy thud was heard from the doors located contrary to the door that led to the Grand Banquet Room. Before us now stood Brastus, the eight sibling and my father's second-in-command inside the family. Yet, as I peered behind the large frame of my brother, I felt my heart leap out. Standing after my brother he stood, with his dazzling green eyes and lovely curls. His face was perfect and his smile was just like the one of my brother. If it weren't for his eyes I would have said they were twins. Standing their, stood Marcus Antonius Sienne, my brother's most trusted officer, companion and the only one who peaked my interest.
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kaitycat4
Role Playing Legend
kaitycat4

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Number of posts : 18961
Age : 21
Registration date : 2012-07-14

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PostSubject: Re: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime5/24/2014, 12:24 am

I don't read much due to my eyes jumbling up all the words and messing everything up but, this was really good. The details were great and I think you should write more hubbie!!! :3
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Toothless
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Toothless

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Number of posts : 365
Age : 16
Registration date : 2014-02-05

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PostSubject: Re: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime5/24/2014, 5:32 pm

Ok, sorry, I have the same problem as Kaity. My eyes like to go everywhere and then im messed up and stuff but I know you so I know it's good.
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Steve Rogers
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Steve Rogers

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Number of posts : 33821
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Registration date : 2010-07-13

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PostSubject: Re: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime5/26/2014, 9:38 am

Oh, Brastus, this is magnificent! I love the description and I LOVE the narrator! This is awesome! I want to read more of it!

You're incredible! Dang, I think I'm jealous. This is etiolated incredible! Keep on keeping on, good sir!
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Josh
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Number of posts : 3580
Age : 22
Registration date : 2012-08-07

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PostSubject: Re: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime6/2/2014, 2:42 pm

My vermillion gown was perfect for it also metal detailing that came from gold from Doros
change this to;
My vermillion gown was perfect, for it also had metallic detailing that came from the gold of Doros.

Although met girls favored Brastus for his physique, Corvatus held a number of admirers as well.
change met to many

Proudly exclaimed Corvatus as he finished his sentence with by shouting the family, with the other six siblings raising their glasses
For me, this doesn't make too much sense. Up to "sentence" is fine. Then, "why by shouting the family". Maybe, by shouting to the family? And then, after the comma after "family" it should be "and with the other six siblings raising their glasses."

I'm also not a fan of the start, "How quaint!" I'd just scrap that bit, but that's just me. I don't think it really fits.

The rest is quite a nice start, well written, but it definitely targets a more mature audience, you won't be captivating the attention of many younger readers with that sort of language. Of course some, but the language seems more aimed at a more mature young adult audience.
But, good start. Keep it up.

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Amelia Wright - Poseidon - 17
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Breakfast with my lovely family. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Breakfast with my lovely family.   Breakfast with my lovely family. Icon_minitime

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