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 it wont be so bad

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monster hunter
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PostSubject: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime6/26/2014, 7:43 pm

Annie walked into class and looked through the window. "Hey, Annie!" Jack yelled. Annie waved at him. A strange noise was heard outside of class. Jack and Annie ran outside the school. "What is that?!" Jack yelled. "I don't know." Annie replied. A random kid walked up to it and fought it with no problem. Annie was speachless and amazed at how he did it so fast and how good he looked. Jack noticed her blush. Jack poked her cheeks. Annie looked at jack and poked his stomach. "HEY!" Jack yelled at the boy. The mysterious boy looked than ran at him. "GAH!" Jack was tense but then relaxed after the boy went passed him. "Hi?" Annie said. "Hey." The boy said. He looked at jack and pointed to her. "Nah. we ain't dating." Jack said. "Ok. at least i know i have a shot." The boy said. Annie looked into his brown eyes then at his outfit which was a skull design T-shirt with a jacket completed with jeans. "Let's talk. both of you." The boy ran and they had no choice but going after him. The boy was already in a tree eating an apple. "You guys are slow." He said. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now cut to the chase. what was that thing?" Annie said. "That my friend, was a minotarur." He said. He jumped out of the tree and landed on his feet. "How'd you kill it so fast?" Jack asked. "I didn't." The boy said. "Yea, you did it dissinagrated!" She yelled getting exited that some action was going on in her life. "No, you guys think i killed it but i didn't. Those monsters can't die. They get destoyed then come back. It just takes time." He told them. "Now, come on lets go!" He said. "Ugh! more running! I shoud've skipped gym class!" Annie and Jack both yelled. The boy chuckled then ran faster. "YOUR DOING THAT ON PURPOSE!!" Annie yelled out to him. "Yes, yes I am." He teased then called an taxi. "Hop in!" The boy said. The boy now had strawberries. "You sure do eat alot of fruit." Annie told him. "Yea, don't i know it." He said. Annie tried reaching for one. "Here." The boy gave her one. "Thanks." She said. The taxi pulled over to a camp. "This here is camp half blood." He said. "duh!" She said pointing to the sign. He rolled his eyes. "Let me show you what it holds inside." He showed them around. Jack got into something now it was just Annie and The boy. "Finally, Its the beach." He showed her the sights it held. "So beatiful!" Annie eyes looked like they got shinner and The boy found himself staring into them until he pulled away. "Ahem! sorry something in my throat." He lied. He took her to the hermes cabin. "You will sleep here and so will Jack but I think he someone should've told him by now. " He said. Conner and Travis stoll came out from their bunks. "Who's the hottie." They said. "Im Annie. Nice to met you." Annie said leaving out her hand for an hand shake. Instead it was a hug. "You smell like the flower Jasmine! I love Jasmine!" Conner said letting her go. "Thanks?" She said. "Oh i have a question." They all said. "Yea." She replied. "Whats those 3 lines on your hair?" They asked looking at the 3 white lines on my hair that only goes half-way around my head. "Those are my sanzu lines." She told them about her hair lines. "Ohhhhh" They all said. Annie looked out it was night time. "Well, we all better get to bed." They all went to their beds in their cabins. Annie snuck out to go to the beach. She met her destionation and went for a swim. The boy walked by. "Hi annie!" He yelled. "Hmm. oh hi." she said. The boy walked to her with grapes eating them. "Can i get one?" Annie asked. "Sure." And with that he gave her one and stole a kiss. "By the way, the names Nico." And he walked away. 'Maybe it wont be so bad.' Annie thought
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/6/2014, 11:36 pm

PART 2

As she said that she got back up and went to the hermes cabin. There she saw Jack smiling and makeing fake kissing noises. Annie threw a pillow at him but he just caught it. "You really need to lean how to get a sneak attack." He said. Annie rolled her eyes at  her friend. "You like him." Jack told her. "No, I dont." Annie said. "So why are you blushing. It might not be pink but your blushing. I knew you for too long so i can tell." Jack said. "Is it that obvious?" Annie asked. "A duh." Jack said. "Well time for my usall nap." Annie said. While she was getting into her bed Jack whisperd something to faint to hear. She didn't care, she was fast asleep already. Right in the middle of her dreams Jack came in and shocked her. "OWW! Stop rubbing you feet on the carpet!" Annie yelled. "Ok! But you might be happy with this news!" Jack said. "Whats is it?" Annie asked. "I got you a date with Nico!" Jack told her being himself he was very proud. "YOU DID WHAT?!" Annie yelled. "I got you a date with Nico." Jack said in an whisper. "When? Where?" Annie said a little quickly. "Umm. In the woods and NOW!" Jack told her. Annie ran and got dressed wearing jeans and red shirt and a jacket. She did her hair under 4 seconds flat by brushing and combing. "Bye and thanks." She said while running out the door. "Your welcome!" Jack yelled at her. Annie was already by the woods. She ran faster than any demigod. She jumped over the tree roots and whipped past tree branches. Annie let out a sigh of relief when she saw Nico. She slowed down and begun to walk to catch her breath. Nico looked and for the first time he actully looked happy. "Hey, Ann." Nico said. "Who told you about that nick name?" Annie said. "Jack." He said. They spent they're time walking around and talking. 'I never knew this muchh about Nico. It must be hard.' Annie thought as he told her about his past then stopped walking. "I told you my past now tell me yours." Nico said. Annie told him about how her mom left her and how she met jack to how they became friends. "And thats all." She said. Nico just nodded. "I want to show you something." Nico said then running. Annie of course ran after him. Nico soon Stoped at a grave that looked hand made. "I made it for my sister. Her body isn't in it." Nico said. "You two must've been close." Annie said. He just nodded. They looked at the sky. Nico pointed a finger to the heavens. "Some day i know your coming back down." He said. We ran to the cabins and people were looking at us. "Ohhhh snap! Nico's got a girlfriend!" Leo said. "Be quite." Nico said blushing and putting a protective arm around me as we walked to the cabins.

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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/7/2014, 10:00 pm

As we walked, we ran into Percy. Nico but and tighter grip around Annie. "Realx dude, I know she's your first girlfriend but calm down. I wouldn't betray Annabeth like that." Percy told him. Nico relaxed. Annie put her head into his stomach signaling that she is bored. "Your bored. Huh." Nico asked. Annie nodded her head yes. "Well, I'm bored to. What about we play a prank on Leo for expossing us to the whole camp?" Nico asked. Annie looked up her eyes gleaming in delight while thoughts of pranks were going through her head. "Lets do 5 pranks on Leo and say it's a science expriment." Annie said. "I like the way you think." Nico said. Annie already had the supplies. "How did you. You know what I'm not going to ask how you got that." Nico said. "Good idea." Annie replied patting his head. After they got the supplies together they agreed Annie shoul tell Leo they need himm for an science expriment. Annie ran up to Leo with a smile. "What do you want Annie banny?" Leo asked using the nickname she didn't like. Annie used her poker face while she was lying to him. "So, you see why we need you." She said. "Yea! I'm in." Leo agreed. "Follow me." Annie said while running. Soon they stopped to a box. "I want to get in there!" Leo yelled being eger. Classie came by talking smack to Percy saying how she can still swim better. "I wonder what they talking about." Annie said then walked over there to hear her arguement and so did Leo. Percy took on a swimming challange. "Uh uh. He look like shark week I aint messin with that if I were you." Leo told Classie. Annie put Leo in the box. "I cant see a thing Annie!" Leo yelled. "We know." Annie said smiling a devil smile. "Payback!"
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/9/2014, 4:13 pm

Leo had a face on him that looked like a mixed expression. People from the camp that Leo pranked with the Stoll brothers. "We are going to get you pranksters one by one!" Annie yelled. "Let me just take that away from you." Nico said while reaching for the remote to the box. "Fine!" Annie yelled giving him the remote. "Shock his little feet! Make him dance!" The group chanted. After shocking him with low shocks nothing major like lighting. "Lets give him something to eat." Annie told Nico feeling sympathy for Leo again. "Fine. Give him the lasana!" Nico yelled. They came out and gave Leo the food while Annie let him out. "I'm never playing pranks on Nico and his girlfriend ever again!" Leo said while running. Nico just smiled. Chiron was coming. "Everone hide! Go to your cabins!" Annie and Nico yelled while running but Chiron was already there with Leo. "Thats right! I got the big guns!" Leo yelled. "Did you two expirment on Leo?" Chiron asked. Annie stepped behind Nico. Nico looked Chiron right in the eye. "Yea, so what! He deserved it. Playing pranks on people." Nico said trying to prove his point. "Well, none of his pranks had hurted people." Chiron said trying to reason with Nico. "Never hurted on one!. Thats a lie! He put super glue in my shampoo! My hands was stuck to my head for weeks!" Nico told him getting angry remembering what had happened. "Yes, I remember that. Your hair turned bluish too." Chiron said getting a laugh. "It's not funny!" Nico yelled getting was too serious for evens Chiron's comfort. "Ok at least no ones dead." Chiron said wanting to drop the conversation. Nico and Annie went back to the beach and sat down on the sand. "That was a close one." Annie said putting her head on Nico's Shoulder. "Yea it was." Nico said.
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/9/2014, 11:47 pm

oh
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/10/2014, 1:20 am

so i can't sleep and for some reason i kept thinking of this sooo basically full ish review thing???/??/?? idk man

so, first of all, there's the formatting. when writing, never leave everything in one massive paragraph. that is so hard to read. instead, create a new paragraph every time the focus shifts somewhere else. if you're talking about annie (e.g. her actions, her speaking, etc.), that's one paragraph, but if you start talking about jack, go to another paragraph. sometimes there are other reasons to start a new paragraph which i don't really even know how to explain. google probably knows better.

second, there's staying in character. this is super important for fanfictions, as you're taking characters who have been developed already by someone else. the only thing that tells me that the boy is nico is the fact that you mention his name, and kind of his outfit description. the way you've written him is not even close to how nico is written in the series. especially the dating a girl bit, because, you know, as far as we know, nico's gay. (also, erasure of a character's homosexuality is kind of a big no. we've got such little representation, please don't take it away)

the last thing i have the attention span to touch on is what i've heard described as a california conversation (i think). this is where, upon first meeting, two characters share their entire backstory, and is called such because only people in california who want to prove that they have suffered more have these all-revealing conversations. like, take a second to think about whether or not this fits your character. yeah, there's the overly trusting type, but that's definitely not nico. even if it fits the character, avoid this like the plague. one of the hardest things about writing is getting your dialogue to be realistic, but a california conversation will not help you achieve that, trust me

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baekhyun
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/11/2014, 10:31 am

were these jack and annie from the magic tree house books
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PostSubject: Re: it wont be so bad   it wont be so bad Icon_minitime7/12/2014, 8:37 pm

I have heard of the magic tree house but didnt read them my friend told me about them thought (stupid ben) it not jack and annie from magic tree house i never read those books but its from my nickname Annie and my friend jack i met at school in 3rd grade.
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