Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 12/4/2015, 10:32 am


I would like this to be checked for a reward.

Name: His name is Fane Tagrishe (tah-GREESH). His mom named him Fane as a tribute to the godliness of his father, and his last name is derived from his German ancestors, Tagrich.

Gender: Fane is male.

Mortal Parent: His mom is Mary Tagrishe, a combat veteran, and she attracted Phobos by mastering her fear under oppressive odds on the field of battle, and instilling fear in her enemies with her squadron's charge. Since he ran away, he hasn't seen her recently, but his curiosity for her well-being is drowned out by his memories of the night he ran away.

God Parent: Fane's father is Phobos, the Greek god of Fear.

Date of Birth: March 6, 1998, making him 17.

Place of Birth: Fane was born in St. Louis, Missouri, at exactly 7:45 AM.

Hometown/Last Residence: He ran away from his home in St. Louis, Missouri, and hasn't returned since.

Race/ethnicity: Fane is Caucasian, of German and Irish descent.

Accent: He has a Midwestern U.S. Missouri accent.

Skin Tone: Fane is pale, but has lots of freckles on his face and arms.

Eye Color: Fane has dark brown eyes, and gold flecks can be seen if you see them at dawn or dusk.

Hair Color: Fane has natural Ginger/Red hair.

Hair Length: His hair is short, but just long enough to style.

Height: Fane is 5’4’’.

Weight: He weighs 107 pounds.

Body Type: Fane is skinny, but his arms and legs show clear signs of muscle, revealing him to be stronger than his slight frame suggests.

Appearance: His hair is styled with a spiky ridge in the front. He stands erect as though very confident of himself, and takes long sure strides when he walks. His face is set in a permanent sad look, especially around his eyes, which seem older than he is. When he does show a rare smile, his slightly crooked teeth gleam and dimples appear, returning a childlike innocence to his face.

Weapon: Fane wields a hand-and-a-half sword of celestial bronze, a gift from his uncle, Harry, a son of Apollo.

Armor: None of his own, but he’ll wear whatever he is issued, preferring light armor to heavy plate.

Pet(s): He used to have a pet greyhound named Nitro, with mottled black and grey fur and brown eyes very similar to Fane's, but Fane ran away and hasn't seen his loyal hound since. It would not surprise Fane if Nitro found a way to Camp Half-Blood to be near his master.

Skills/Talents: Fane is ambidextrous, and can guess people's emotions by watching their body language.

Flaws: Fane gets attached to people too easily, he can't swim because he never learned how, and. Fane’s left leg is half an inch shorter than his right, and he wears a heel lift inside his shoe to counter it. His right ear is missing a chunk from the lobe as a result from an accident in his early sword training. He is very confident, almost arrogant, and if he believes that he is right, nothing can change his mind. Fane does his best, but Rit tells him that a child of Phobos couldn’t become a hero. He is very naturally suspicious of people in general, due to his childhood experiences and because he believes that no one else understands how he feels. He hates being alone as much as anybody, but he would prefer to be alone than risk seeing his friends die or be injured.

Strengths: Fane is an exceptional swordfighter, and he is completely unaffected by people’s negative opinions of him, because he has lived alone for 7 years.

Weaknesses: His friends, because he cares so much that if they were in danger, he would attempt to die in their stead. He is mildly schizophrenic with a voice in his head named Rit, who whispers evil things into Fane’s mind, trying to trip Fane up. Fane doesn’t want ‘help’ for getting rid of Rit, because he considers the voice his one true friend.

Likes: He loves to draw, write, and think about his dog.

Dislikes: He hates ‘Happy-go-lucky’ people, feeling like they sorely misunderstand the world, and cabbage has always his least favorite vegetable.

Fears: He has Lupophobia, fear of wolves, but the fear is more focused on hellhounds than normal wolves. This is caused by the attack on his house, but he can ignore it if he needs to, but it takes a lot of willpower.

Personality: Fane is a dark and mysterious individual. He tries to stay away from other people, but if he can't get away, he can socialize appropriately. He detests liars and if he talks, he's telling the truth. He tries to get people to tell him their issues so that he can attempt to fix them, but when he does so, he makes sure that the 'solution' came from an anonymous source, as he doesn't want to be known for the nice guy he is inside. If you are his friend, expect to see a lot of him, at least in your peripheral vision, as he likes to keep tabs on his friends, to take care of them. His own fear means next to nothing to him, unless he is faced by a hellhound, so he is utterly fearless in battle, one of the best people you could have on your side. He is cunning and strategic, ruthless and efficient. If he knows the chain of command, he follows orders without question, but he is known to do his own thing if he feels like it will do better than his orders. Outside of the battlefield, he is very quiet and thoughtful, and he has an air of mystery around him that makes people want to figure him out, like an intriguing puzzle.

Abilities:

Powers: He can create a fear effect on a single person by eye contact from close range(5-10 feet), and it can only be avoided if the person is not looking at his eyes, sheer willpower, battle rage, fear of something stronger than the illusion, or through contact with someone who is not affected by that particular fear. In very rare cases, the victim can actually resist the effect by pushing Fane’s presence from their mind, but that takes a lot of brain/willpower, like from children of Athena. Children of Deimos and Ares are also usually unaffected. It puts the victim in a hallucinatory state where all of their worst fears play out around them, and the effect lasts for 3 posts. Fane needs 7-10 posts to recharge his fear effect, depending on how powerful he makes the effect or the resistance of the person being Feared, and he can only use it twice per topic.

Social Status: Fane's social status is negligible, because he tries to stay off the radar

Summer or Year Rounder: Fane wants to be a Year Rounder.

Years at Camp: He is new to camp.

Life Before Camp: Fane never seemed to fit into any school he attended as a kid, because of his ADHD and dyslexia, and he was passed from school to school. The principals, headmasters, and deans were all uneasy around him even though he didn’t look frightening, and none of the kids attempted to befriend him. Thus he became an introverted child, his only ‘friend’ being the voice in his head that he developed when he was 8. He started learning to sneak around, using his anonymity and small size to his advantage. His stepfather and uncle had taught Fane how to fight with a sword as a family tradition, coming from a long train of Irishmen that went to England during the Arthurian Era, the age of knights. This is where his skill with his sword was born.

His mom married Karel Peterenkenov when Fane was 6, and Fane had an uncle, named Harry, who was a demigod, son of Apollo. His uncle began to look into Fane’s oddness as soon as he thought he saw signs in Fane, especially when Fane scared his younger step brother, Stephen, to tears with a look, but then Fane had cried later in confusion and anger at himself. His mom and his uncle Harry got along well, but only because Fane's mom just thought that Harry's stories of his adventures were just that: stories.

Fane lived in a house in St. Louis suburbs, until a pickup-truck-sized hellhound tore apart his house, drawn by the auras of two demigods (Fane and his Uncle), when Fane was 10. Fane watched, frozen with his fear, as the hellhound killed his stepfather and younger brother. Fane saw his uncle defend his mom, and that gave him courage to fight, so Fane helped kill the hellhound with his uncle's spare sword. Staying to help Fane’s mom, Uncle Harry told him to go to camp, knowing that is was risky to trust 10 year old Fane on his own. But, he knew, as a demigod himself, that mortal rules kind of don’t work with demigods. And so Fane ran away, his sword in its sheath at his side.

Several times on his journey, people asked him where his parents were, did he need help, and if he was part of the local Renaissance Fair. He ignored them, pretending to be illiterate and dumb. When he got sick, once even catching pneumonia during a particularly bad winter, he checked himself into hospitals, usually at the last minute so he needed immediate care, without arguments about who his parents were or where they were. He was forced to steal food during his journey, and he hated doing it, but he kept reminding himself that it would be weak to just lay down and die. He stole money, food, clothes, and toiletries where he could, from oblivious mortals and from refuse. Fane sneaked onto buses, hitchhiked, and simply walked to camp, remembering what his uncle had told him, saying that it was 'the only safe place for people like us.'

Always having an aptitude for sneaking around, he evaded police and ‘family,’ preferring to forge his own way to camp. He was caught by police in Columbus, Ohio, and they put him in a foster home with others kids ‘like him,’ meaning runaways. He was kept there for 4 years before he escaped. Most mortals left him alone, feeling like there was just something about the young man that told them to stay back.

He practiced with his sword if there were no mortals nearby, honing his skills until his weapon was just an extension of his being. He fought a few minor monsters on his journey, like young hellhounds, harpies, and a grain spirit in Indiana, but his worst fight was with a snake-woman in Maryland, who managed to scrape his ribs with her spear before he killed her. He tended to the wound himself, improvising with what little he knew of first aid, but it left him with a scar.

When he finally stumbled into Camp after 6 years on the run, he immediately felt like he’d found another place to be rejected from like he had as a kid, and he almost turned around and went back home. But then, for once Rit urged him onward, telling him that he would find a home like he’d never known, and friends he thought he’d never have. “Even if you die here or are rejected, it will be worth it to never be alone again.” Rit said.

Role-playing Example: "You think you know fear?" He looks down, remembering. "You don't know fear, not until it destroys your life and makes you hollow, forcing you to find something to fill the void. For me, that's helping people." He clenches his fists. "No one else will die because of my fear. NO ONE." He twirls his sword angrily. “Regardless, no one can understand my particular problems, other than my siblings, most of whom are just punks anyway, bullies, only wanting to instill fear for a cheap laugh.” He pauses, then sighs. “But still I’ll try. I’ll be the weird kid, like I’ve always been, the child of Fear that only wants to help people. That will be my legacy.”

Notes: He is mentally scarred by his encounter with the hellhound, and this is the source of his Lupophobia. He tries very hard to not make friends, feeling that nobody else could understand the pain that he's been through, and not wanting to make people afraid of him. So he is determined to be a minor presence in Camp Half-Blood.


Last edited by MasterFane on 1/26/2016, 10:37 am; edited 28 times in total (Reason for editing : Repost for fixing errors)
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/4/2015, 11:35 am

Do you want a drachma award for this? You'll need to add another 500+ words to this if you do. Otherwise, I'll judge this with the regular form's requirements for now.

God gifts aren't allowed unless you buy them from the site shop/win them in a mystery box, so you'll need another source for his sword.

No to the dragon.

Skills/Talents:
- Elaborate more on this "communicating with animals" bit. Does he actually talk to them, is he skilled in reading their body language?
- Being strong enough to wrestle a horse-sized dragon would also be too much.

For a regular form, you need at least three flaws -- for a detailed form (to get a drachma reward) you need 5, including a natural cosmetic flaw. Please add more.

How are his friends a weakness?

Add more to his personality -- detailed forms require 5 sentences, while for regular forms is more general (two lines if very detailed, more if not).

Abilities:
- No to the invisibility via shadows.

Powers:
- Describe the first power more. How bad is the fear? Is it a vision?
- How long can this fear last (in number of posts)?
- How long does he have to wait in between usages of this power in number of posts?
- How many times per topic can he use this?
- How can people resist this?
- Reading people's emotions would be more of a skill or talent than a power, since this would take no energy.

LBC:
- As I said before, you'll need a new origin for the sword.
- Also, you need to elaborate more on his life before the hellhound came along. Did he know about the Greek gods since his uncle was a demigod himself? What was his mom like with him?
- And you'll need to change the part about the dragon, too.
- You're not allowed to have any connections to canon characters before camp, which includes following them to camp somehow. You'll need to change how he got to camp.

For the RP Example, add some action to this -- not just dialogue.

We wouldn't allow his and his mom's eyes to change color at all. (Except in different lightings, which is natural.)

avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/9/2015, 3:15 pm

When you edit your form, please reply to the topic that you've edited so we know we can recheck. (I also need a yes/no answer for whether or not you want this to be checked as a detailed form for a reward.)

For his skill/talent of reading people's emotions -- is this also a body-language thing?

For his strengths: Deimos would be the god you want if he can use his power on groups of people at once; Phobos is phobia, which is more personalized than Deimos' terror powers.

How bad is his fear of wolves, exactly? If he can resist it doesn't sound too bad unless he can only resist with a lot of difficulty.

Being ambidextrous wouldn't be an ability, as this wouldn't relate to Phobos' power range. This would probably belong in Strengths or skills/talents.

Powers:
- Showing memories of the worst thing to ever happen to them? That sounds way too general to be fear-related. Please make this more specific.
- Also, going into the memories may be a bit of a stretch, so try changing this to showing them a vision of what they fear most.
- How can people resist this vision?
- How far can he be at most from a person in order to use it on them?
- You know, you don't need to make the cooldown that high if he's using it on a single person. Your choice, though.
- See my note from his strengths about using this on a group of people.

LBC:
- Be more specific about his life before the attack. How was school? When did his stepdad and brother come into his life? What kinds of signs had his uncle seen in him that made him think Fane was also a demigod?
- How large was this hellhound, that it managed to kill so many people?
- Even though he probably had training before this, I doubt a 10 year old could kill a hellhound capable of not only killing 2 mortals, but of killing a trained adult demigod too.
- Also... what was his mom doing? If she were still alive why did he run away, since you didn't mention if she died or not?
- How did he get from St. Louis to NY?
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Fane Tagrishe Edited

Post by MasterFane on 12/10/2015, 11:48 am


I would like this to be checked for a reward.


Name: His name is Fane Tagrishe (tah-GREESH). His mom named him Fane as a tribute to the godliness of his father, and his last name is derived from his German ancestors, Tagrich.

Gender: Fane is male.


Mortal Parent: His mom is Mary Tagrishe, a combat veteran, and she attracted Phobos by mastering her fear under oppressive odds on the field of battle, and instilling fear in her enemies with her squadron's charge. Since he ran away, he hasn't seen her recently, but his curiosity for her well-being is drowned out by his memories of the night he ran away.


God Parent: Fane's father is Phobos, the Greek god of Fear.


Date of Birth: March 6, 1998, making him 17.


Place of Birth: Fane was born in St. Louis, Missouri, at exactly 7:45 AM.


Hometown/Last Residence: He ran away from his home in St. Louis, Missouri, and hasn't returned since.


Race/ethnicity: Fane is Caucasian, of German and Irish descent..


Accent: He has a Midwestern U.S. Missouri accent.


Skin Tone: Fane is pale, but has lots of freckles on his face and arms.


Eye Color: Fane has dark brown eyes, and gold flecks can be seen if you see them at dawn or dusk.


Hair Color: Fane has Ginger hair.


Hair Length: His hair is short, but just long enough to style.


Height: Fane is 5’4’’.


Weight: He weighs 107 pounds.


Body Type: Fane is skinny, but his arms and legs show clear signs of muscle, revealing him to be stronger than his slight frame suggests.


Appearance: His right ear is missing a chunk from the lobe, and his hair is styled with a spiky ridge in the front. He stands erect as though very confident of himself, and takes long sure strides when he walks. His face is set in a permanent sad look, especially around his eyes, which seem older than he is. When he does show a rare smile, his slightly crooked teeth gleam and dimples appear, returning a childlike innocence to his face.


Weapon: Fane wields a hand-and-a-half sword of celestial bronze, a gift from his uncle, Harry, a son of Apollo.


Armor: He prefers his blood-red plate armor, another gift from his uncle Harry, but Fane doesn't wear a helmet.


Pet(s): He used to have a pet greyhound named Nitro, with mottled black and grey fur and brown eyes very similar to Fane's, but Fane ran away and hasn't seen his loyal hound since. It would not surprise Fane if Nitro found a way to Camp Half-Blood to be near his master.


Skills/Talents: Fane is ambidextrous, can communicate through empathy with some animals by reading their body language, can read people's emotions through body language as well, and is very good at sword fighting.


Flaws: Gets attached to people too easily, can't swim, and his left eye is almost blind as a result of a monster attack in Chicago, he is mildly schizophrenic with a voice in his head named Rit, who whispers evil things into Fane’s mind, trying to trip Fane up. Fane’s left leg is half an inch shorter than his right.


Strengths: Fane is very good at swordplay, and he is completely unaffected by people’s negative opinions of him, because he has lived alone for 7 years.


Weaknesses: His friends, because he cares so much that if they were in danger, he would attempt to die in their stead.


Likes: He loves to draw, write, and think about his dog.


Dislikes: He hates ‘Happy-go-lucky’ people, feeling like they sorely misunderstand the world, and cabbage has always his least favorite vegetable.


Fears: He has Lupophobia, fear of wolves, but the fear is more focused on hellhounds than normal wolves. This is caused by the attack on his house, but he can ignore it if he needs to, but it takes a lot of willpower.


Personality: Fane is a dark and mysterious individual. He tries to stay away from other people, but if he can't get away, he can socialize appropriately. He detests liars and if he talks, he's telling the truth. He tries to get people to tell him their issues so that he can attempt to fix them, but when he does so, he makes sure that the 'solution' came from an anonymous source, as he doesn't want to be known for the nice guy he is inside. If you are his friend, expect to see a lot of him, at least in your peripheral vision, as he likes to keep tabs on his friends, to take care of them.


Abilities: His own fear means next to nothing to him, unless he is faced by a hellhound.


Powers: He can create a fear effect by eye contact from close range(5-10 feet), and it can only be avoided if the person is not looking at his eyes. It puts the victim in a hallucinatory state where all of their worst fears play out around them, and the effect lasts for 3 posts. Fane needs 7-10 posts to recharge his fear effect if he only uses it on one person, and he can only use it twice per topic. The effect can be resisted through sheer willpower, battle rage, fear of something stronger than the illusion, or through contact with someone who is not affected by that particular fear. Children of Deimos and Ares are usually unaffected by the effect.


Social Status: Fane's social status is negligible, because he tries to stay off the radar


Summer or Year Rounder: Fane wants to be a Year Rounder.


Years at Camp: He is new to camp.


Life Before Camp: Fane never seemed to fit into any school he attended as a kid, because of his ADHD and dyslexia, and he was passed from school to school. The principals, headmasters, and deans were all uneasy around him even though he didn’t look frightening, and none of the kids attempted to befriend him. Thus he became an introverted child, his only ‘friend’ being the voice in his head that he developed when he was 8. His mom married Karel Peterenkenov when Fane was 6, and Fane had an uncle, named Harry, who was a demigod, son of Apollo. His uncle began to look into Fane’s oddness as soon as he thought he saw signs in Fane, especially when Fane scared his younger step brother, Stephen, to tears with a look, but then Fane had cried later in confusion and anger at himself. His mom and his uncle Harry got along well, but only because Fane's mom just thought that Harry's stories of his adventures were just that: stories. His stepfather and uncle had taught him how to fight with a sword as a family tradition, coming from a long train of Irishmen that went to England during the Arthurian Era, the age of knights. Fane lived in a house in St. Louis suburbs, until a pickup-truck-sized hellhound tore apart his house, drawn by the auras of two demigods (Fane and his Uncle), when Fane was 10. Fane watched the hellhound kill his stepfather and younger brother Stephen (mortal), then watched his uncle defend his mom, and Fane helped kill the hellhound with his uncle's spare sword. Staying to help Fane’s mom, Uncle Harry gave Fane his armor, and told him to go to camp. And so Fane ran away, with nothing but his armor, sword, and the clothes on his back. Fane sneaked onto buses, hitchhiked, and simply walked to camp, remembering what his uncle had told him, saying that it was 'the only safe place for people like us.'


Role-playing Example: "You think you know fear?" He looks down, remembering. "You don't know fear, not until it destroys your life and makes you hollow, forcing you to find something to fill the void. For me, that's helping people." He clenches his fists. "No one else will die because of my fear. NO ONE." He twirls his sword angrily. “Regardless, no one can understand my particular problems, other than my siblings, most of whom are just punks anyway, bullies, only wanting to instill fear for a cheap laugh.” He pauses, then sighs. “But still I’ll try. I’ll be the weird kid, like I’ve always been, the child of Fear that only wants to help people. That will be my legacy.”


Notes: He is mentally scarred by his encounter with the hellhound, and this is the source of his Lupophobia. He tries very hard to not make friends, feeling that nobody else could understand the pain that he's been through, and not wanting to make people afraid of him. So he is determined to be a minor presence in Camp Half-Blood.


Last edited by MasterFane on 12/11/2015, 10:53 am; edited 1 time in total
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/10/2015, 6:52 pm

Please edit your form using the Edit button in the top-right hand corner, rather than reposting it; by editing the very first form/opening post it'll save people time from digging through the topic in case they want to see your form/help with organization. When you reply to tell me that you edit, you can just reply "edited" or such.

You're gonna need to specify Fane's heritage more for his Race/Ethnicity section. Is he of English descent? German? French? Portugese?

Specify what region his accent comes from, since there's many different types in the US. Southern, maybe?

Add more to his appearance; there's no minimum, but for a reward it's preferred you put at least 4 sentences.

Flaws:
- Was he born partially blind in his left eye, or is this the result of some battle injury?
- I would think not being able to swim wouldn't be much of a flaw, since he can always learn? Unless you mean he panics when he gets into water or such.
- Is he mildly schizophrenic (the voice in his head) or is Rit from some other cause? (If it's not the former, it would probably not be allowed.)
- How does the voice in his head affect him, to be a flaw?
- Being dyslexic is a standard demigod thing, so it wouldn't be counted as a flaw. Please add another.
- You need a natural cosmetic flaw affecting his appearance (one he was born with, perhaps). It can be something mildly normal that makes him insecure, like large ears, large nose, a strange birthmark, etc.

You still need to remove the part about his being able to use his powers on 5 people at once from his Strengths part. It should only be able to affect 1 person at a time.

Like I said before, being ambidextrous isn't the result of being related to Phobos. Please move this to the skills/talent section.

Powers:
- Reduce how long the power can last.
- You need more ways to let characters resist -- having strong willpower is one of them. Being children of other gods related to fear would definitely be another.

LBC:
- Fane being awkward around people was a sign that he was a demigod? That doesn't sound very likely, unless he was diagnosed with ADHD/dyslexia and didn't fit in for that reason.
- So Fane was indirectly using his powers when he was young?
- Weird family tradition, having kids fight with swords. But okay.
- .... Did Fane bring money and supplies with him on his way to camp?

RP Example needs to be at least 10 sentences long for a reward, so add more detail to this please.
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 12/11/2015, 10:54 am

Alright. Let's have another check, shall we?
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/11/2015, 2:56 pm

You're supposed to edit the very first (original) form, not the one you reposted -- like I said before, it'll help with organization and keep people from digging around the topic for your final version. When you do that let me know.
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 12/12/2015, 2:37 pm

Done, and on the original this time.
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/14/2015, 8:15 pm

Flaws:
- You didn't really respond to my note about his swimming.
- What monster blinded him? What was he doing in Chicago?
- Has he tried to get help for his schizophrenia?
- The leg thing would work as a flaw, but it wouldn't necessarily be a cosmetic one since it wouldn't affect his appearance as much as some sort of facial flaw.

Add more to his personality.

That ability would be more of a personality trait rather than an ability. (You don't need to have an ability.)

Powers:
- Why does he need 7-10 posts to recharge -- would the lower limit of 7 posts be the result of using his power for a lower amount of time than usual?
- Also, the "if he only uses it on one person" implies he can use it on more than one at once. Remove that phrase and edit in that he can only use it on one person somewhere else in this part.

LBC:
- A 10 year old kid carrying a sword and armor all the way from Missouri to New York? That's extremely heavy and also, even with the Mist, would look very suspicious.
- In general, a 10 year old boy wandering around alone is suspicious. How did he not get caught by, say, cops or very nosy people?
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 12/16/2015, 10:21 am

Ready.
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 12/22/2015, 2:50 pm

Flaws:
- Has Fane received treatment for his shorter leg? For example, does he have a shoe insert to offset any balance/movement issues?
- And again, the finger thing would work as a flaw -- but it's not as cosmetic as we'd prefer, since it'd hardly be noticeable unless you looked at his hand. Put in something that will be noticeable as soon as you look at him.

LBC:
- Please separate this into multiple paragraphs for easier reading.
- Did his parents know about the voice in his head?
- I'm not sure how large his uncle is, but why would he give a 10 year old armor that probably wouldn't fit him?
- And by extension, why would he trust a 10 year old to go from Missouri all the way to New York by himself?
- As I said before, armor is heavy and so are swords -- combined I don't think a young kid like that could carry them without some difficulty, even if he's had training before.
- There's also the fact that he managed to run away from a destroyed house? Like, police and neighbors would have tried to come and see what was going on; if they saw a young boy running off with a heavy bag, they'd go after him.
- It's far-fetched that he'd have enough control over his power to use it multiple times on his journey, even if he had used it once or twice before (by accident); change this part.

[Sorry for the late reply; I had finals and then only got back home a couple of days ago.]
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/8/2016, 11:49 am

Okee-doke, ready.
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Morgan Landry on 1/8/2016, 3:18 pm

- I would say no to the empathy links with animals. It's not related to Phobos.
- I'm iffy about the emotion reading as well, frankly -- I guess you'll have to tone it down a bit when your RP partner clearly states their character is hiding xir's emotions.
- Please add some more flaws. Most of the flaws you listed are weaknesses. (Weaknesses are generally physical: an allergy, an addiction, in your case the almost blind eye or the schizophrenia, whereas flaws are related to personality: laziness, arrogance, etc.)
- However they don't need to be that serious, we're not trying to forceyou to cripple your character. It can simply be a trait about him he doesn't like.

Rest looks good to me. Also I want to congratulate you on the appearance section, it's been a while since I've seen one so well done; it's vivid and clear. Looking forward to RPing with you.
avatar
Morgan Landry
High Queen of Narnia

Female
Number of posts : 15346
Registration date : 2011-12-31

View user profile

________________


Click on the gifs








for the RP invite


Guest, you are awesome.
(My mystery box prizes: 2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1exotic pet)

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/11/2016, 10:38 am

Okay! Hopefully my last edit.
Also, did the stuff you put at the end of your post mean that I have those things to utilize?
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/11/2016, 10:40 am

Morgan Landry wrote:MasterFane, you are awesome.
2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1 exotic pet
I mean this stuff.
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Morgan Landry on 1/11/2016, 10:52 am

Hey!

- Your two flaws are contradicting. How can he be confident and insecure at the same time? Please edit.
- How did he survive on the streets though? How did he get money for food, clothing and hygiene? He must have fallen ill a couple of times during those seven years. Also I find it unlikely that he always managed to escape the police. He's a kid.
- If he trained alone, that doesn't really count as experience, which puts in doubt his fighting skills. Did he never get attacked? Not even once? (Mortal or monster, though the sword wouldn't work on mortals it would still be experience of street fighting. Not that he'd win, but he'd have to learn as the years pass.)

And to reply to your question, that is my signature. I put my stuff in there so I don't forget :P You as a new member start off with 5 free character slots that you may use whenever you want (: (Also please edit instead of double-posting ^^)
avatar
Morgan Landry
High Queen of Narnia

Female
Number of posts : 15346
Registration date : 2011-12-31

View user profile

________________


Click on the gifs








for the RP invite


Guest, you are awesome.
(My mystery box prizes: 2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1exotic pet)

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/11/2016, 11:18 am

Leo Okee!
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Morgan Landry on 1/12/2016, 11:26 am

Heya (:

- Please add two more personality flaws.
- You didn't quite answer my question. How did he get the money necessary to survive? How did he get food? Clothing? Sanitary products?

Rest looks good (:
avatar
Morgan Landry
High Queen of Narnia

Female
Number of posts : 15346
Registration date : 2011-12-31

View user profile

________________


Click on the gifs








for the RP invite


Guest, you are awesome.
(My mystery box prizes: 2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1exotic pet)

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/14/2016, 10:13 am

haaai Hokay.
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Morgan Landry on 1/14/2016, 11:14 am

OK this is probably me just being tired but where in the LBC did you answer my question about the money stuff? xD
avatar
Morgan Landry
High Queen of Narnia

Female
Number of posts : 15346
Registration date : 2011-12-31

View user profile

________________


Click on the gifs








for the RP invite


Guest, you are awesome.
(My mystery box prizes: 2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1exotic pet)

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/19/2016, 10:19 am

4th paragraph, 4th sentence.
mwahaha
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Morgan Landry on 1/19/2016, 5:51 pm

Alright, your form looks good to me. Let's see what an approver/admin says (:


Last edited by Morgan Landry on 1/21/2016, 10:29 am; edited 1 time in total
avatar
Morgan Landry
High Queen of Narnia

Female
Number of posts : 15346
Registration date : 2011-12-31

View user profile

________________


Click on the gifs








for the RP invite


Guest, you are awesome.
(My mystery box prizes: 2 god parent gifts+2 slots+1exotic pet)

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/21/2016, 10:18 am

Cute eyes
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Kendall on 1/22/2016, 11:10 pm

Flaws:
- Is his missing ear lobe the result of a birth defect or perhaps some monster attack?
- "Fane believes in himself, bur doesn't think that a child of Fear could never be a hero (and it’s usually Rit that tells him this)." --> This seems like rather awkward phrasing. Do you mean Rit tells him constantly he can't be a hero?

For his weakness section: Do you still intend for him to be partially blind due to the Chicago harpy attack, or is this left over from the old flaw you had?

LBC:
- I'm sure if anyone had noticed him at all enough to ask what a young kid like that was doing wandering around, someone would eventually have stopped him rather than let him go on. People can be caring and/or too nosy.
- Since the house's destruction was attributed to a structural collapse, wouldn't the St. Louis police still be able to find his body rather than simply assume he's dead -- and when they don't find his body, send out a missing child report? They'd match dental records or DNA if any of the bodies were hopelessly mangled anyway.
- What other minor monsters did he fight? Did he manage to kill most of them, or did he run? (At his age, even with prior training from his dad and demigod uncle, I wouldn't think he'd be able to kill monsters except for maybe small hellhounds and such. He's very young, and even if he displays some skill at swordfighting, monsters are a whole new ballgame.)
- How long did it take for him to get to camp?
avatar
Kendall
Mr. Moseby
Majestic Unicorn Queen


Female
Number of posts : 43508
Age : 2015
Registration date : 2008-09-13

View user profile

________________
Kendall (Ares) Archer (Hecate) Avie (Soter) Stella (Ouranos) Aidan (Pyriphlegethon) Tempest (Aeolus) Bee (Melisseus) Nelly (Apollo) Benji (Thoth) Dana (Odyne) Mason (Hermes) Darwin (Hephaestus) Lucy (Somnus; First Cohort)Dorian (Legacy of Mefitis; Third Cohort)Ellie (Dionysus; Hunter of Artemis)

[4 free slots --> Terra, Kai, Rosalie, and Mina are gone]

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by MasterFane on 1/27/2016, 10:16 am

dance
avatar
MasterFane

Male
Number of posts : 15
Age : 18
Registration date : 2015-12-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fane Tagrishe, Son of Phobos

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum